So last weekend I woke up sweating like crazy, thought man it’s time to chill in the pool. But just dunking myself felt boring as hell. That’s when I remembered those colorful floats my neighbor’s kids were giggling with last summer. Figured I’d grab some cheap ones to test drive.
The Hunting Game
Busted out my phone and searched “pool floats that won’t kill ya” basically. Saw wild ads – unicorns, giant pizzas, even a freaking taco shape. But my gut said “Yo idiot, don’t buy trash that pops after two dunks”. Dragged my lazy butt to three stores comparing junk.
Dealbreakers I learned:
- Thin plastic? Hell no – poked one with car keys and it went pfffft instantly
- No back support? Pass – my spine ain’t 20 anymore
- Weird shapes? Skipped the alligator one cause how tf you even sit on that?
Inflate-Gate 2023
Bought four decent-looking ones: classic lounge chair, two donuts (one with cup holders!), and this weird pineapple ring. Got home pumped like a kid… then realized I forgot air pump. Blowing manually? Worst. Mistake. Ever. Spent 15 mins huffing into that damn lounge chair float till I saw stars.
Pro tip? SPEND THE $5 ON A PUMP. Took like 2 minutes for the others once I ran back to store. Pineapple float felt weirdly stiff though – like floating on a plastic table.
Pool Testing
Tossed ’em all in water. That lounge chair? Pure heaven. Leaned back holding my beer like some pool god. Donut with cup holders rocked too – stuck my soda in there while floating. Basic donut was ok but kept spinning slow-mo like a lazy susan. Pineapple? Total flop – kept flipping me off unless I sat dead center.
Unexpected MVP
- Lounger for adults wanting naps
- Cupholder donut for beer enthusiasts
- Rainbow donut for kids (tested on niece – she screamed for 2 hours straight refusing to get out)
Safety Stuff I Almost Missed
Noticed one brand had these sneaky-ass warnings in tiny font after I bought em: “Not for unsupervised children” and “Avoid direct sunlight”. Buddy told me horror stories of cheap floats melting into goo. Left one out for testing – after 4 hours that damn pineapple turned into a sad puddle. Stick to shaded storage spots people!
Ended up keeping the lounger and both donuts. Kids go crazy for em, adults don’t drown. Worth every damn penny of $40. Just remember: thicker material + cup holders + pump = summer unlocked. Skip the pineapple.